It's official: Santa hates us
What cause do I have for making such an outrageous claim? Oh, I don't know; maybe it was the fact that we tracked his movements on Christmas Eve, thanks to NORAD's high-tech spy satellites (the same ones used "in providing warning of possible missile launches aimed at North America").
You see us when we're sleeping, Santa. But we know when you're slacking off.
By the time we checked in with NORAD's Santa-tracking operations center, around 7pm on Monday night, he'd already finished throwing presents down the chimneys of most of Europe and was wandering around South America. And then, for no apparent reason, he shot up to deploy gifts over northeast Canada. And then zipped back down to Argentina.
Not exactly efficient, for sure.
He spent a serious amount of time in Cuba--that is to say, in Guantanamo. And then he started working his way up the southern US states, from Florida to Tennessee.
At which point we gave up and had some nog.
We checked in with NORAD later. Goodness! Santa had been everywhere!
Well ... not quite everywhere.
See, he hadn't been to England, apart from a cursory flyover of London.
And he hadn't been to Puerto Rico at all, apparently oblivious to the call of sweet, sweet lechón.
I suspect he assumed we'd be on one of those islands, as we've spent Christmas in one place or the other for the past few years.
In which case, he'd have no trouble visiting Boston. Right? Right??
Worcester? WOOSTAH? (Raises fist) Saaanttaaaaa!!!